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    December 30

    Richards update of nothingness

    Ok, I haven't done a blog in ages, so here is a shit one that everyone will go "hey, that was shit" at.
     
    Whats been happenin recently in my life:
     
    • DOT POINTS! Because dot points turn me on.
    • So I'm 18, hooray! Legal drinking age. Its awesome being able to go into a bottle-o and when asked "have you got some I.D?" you can say "Why yes, yes I do" instead of saying "er...no... not on me... sorry..."
    • Christmas
      • was pretty cool, saw my mum for as short a time as possible, but she still managed to piss me off good and proper.
      • I got some good presents though, for example, a freaking car fridge. I don't know when the hell I'm going to need to refrigerate something whilst driving, but its still freaking cool. GET IT!?!?! COOL!!! COS ITS A FRIDGE!!!
      • Alicia came over and we made her eat crayfish, which we both found thoroughly enjoyable. She'd never eat crayfish before... peasant...
      • Got to see my siblings looks of displeasure when they didn't get what they put on their wishlist things. Such items they did not receive include: a $3000 digital camera, new Toyota Camry, and some other really expensive stuff, those 2 were what pissed me off the most though, greedy shits.
      • Lunch rocked so hard. Because my siblings weren't there i had an entire side of the table to myself! I have 6 brothers and sisters and many aunts and uncles, so usually we're packed like sardines. There is also usually no left overs, this year there's HEAPS!
      • Thats enough for Christmas
    • Boxing day
      • Went and saw The Chronicles of Narnia with Alicia and her family.
      • I loved the books when I was little, and so was kinda worried they would be raped by the film, but I was pleasantly surprised. Twas a good movie.
    • Erm... Thats pretty much it actually. Between then and now I've just been hanging out with Alicia...saw Joanna yesterday...that was cool... Waiting for someone to finalise new years plans.... yeah, thats it...
    •  What a shit freaking blog.

    UPDATE: I forgot to put this thingy in... In my chistmas cracker/bon-bon/whatever the hell you wanna call it - the things that you pull, they go bang, you get a crown, a joke, and crappy lil plastic thing  in - I got something which I found pretty ridiculous and un-christmasy. "What was it Richard, I'm on the edge of my seat" I hear you cry, "It was some weird assed yellow skull thing" I would reply. Seriously though, what the fuck is up with that? Here I am expecting some demented little plastic animal or something, and I get a skull. That is all.

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    December 18

    My 18th Good stuff

    Ok, so this entry is a few days late, but I've been busy making good use of my new found 18-year-old-ness. Here are the highlights of my 18th.
     
    • As would be expected, I got really...really drunk
    • I got a shitload of alcohol for presents... I won't be buying any for a looooooooooooooong time
    • Many of my presents were freaking hilarious, such as my flashing tiara. I was so pretty. Halfway through the night, after like 1000 photos, all my speeches and whatnot, johno told me that i was wearing it upside down. I had no freaking idea.
    • Smishy's presents were the greatest, you rock girly.
    • I also got a simple plan CD. Puke.

     

    • COMPLETE WITH RAZOR BLADES TAPED TO THE BACK! Seriously, if it hadn't been so disgustingly hilarious, I would have snapped the cd in half and cut you with the jagged edges, Nick, Ben, and Dave.

     

    • Dragging out my speech as long as possible, I figured you bastards made me talk, I'd make you stand around for like 4 hours listening to me. But it was so worth it, right guys?
    • Highlights of my speech "I'd like to thank my little brother vincent, for being the biggest emo here" and "My older sister Jane deserves a special mention because she went to Europe a few months ago, and as such couldn't make it tonight... Thank God." I don't even care if no one else found it funny, I was laughing so hard on the inside. God my family sucks.
    • Me, D'Arc and Em rocked out to Nine Inch Nails, so awesome. "i'm drunk.......but right now I'm sooooooo in love with you!" hahaha, gold!
    • I made the sacrifice of putting up with terrible (aka R&B, dance, etc) music so that all my friends could enjoy the music, but then at the end of the night you all had to suffer for the like....4 or 5 of us that like GOOD music. I think the putting up with shit music made the good music so much better.

     

    How cute does D'Arc look? Pretty damn cute.

    • We also rocked out to Intermission. It was so awesome.
    • I skulled 2 beers in my big mug thingy. I hate beer.
    • Like 10 minutes later I did the biggest Jager bomb in history. For those who don't know, Jager bombs are a shot of Jagermeister (pronounced yay-ger-my-stir) in a glass of red bull, and you skull it. Sammy B got me a bottle of Jagermeister and lots of red bull , and proceeded to make the biggest one ever. My dad helped.

    • They got FIVE red bulls and poured them into my gigantic mug, and then filled a freaking tumbler with Jagermeister, so it was like 6 or so shots of the crap. They then dropped the tumbler in the mug, and I proceeded to skull it.
    • I rock so freaking hard.
    • I then sprinted to the toilet, but not because, as everyone thought, I had to throw up, but because i REALLY had to pee. So I had to listen to everyone making vomitting sounds outside the toilet while I was peeing. It was funny, but annoying.
    • I was then given a bucket as a hat. They're totally in this season
    • My mum yelled at Sammy B and my dad for being stupid. Kill joy.
    • From there onwards, I think it just went downhill... If I forgot something, put it in a comment!
    4:23 PM | Add a comment | Read comments (30) | Permalink | Blog it
    December 16

    Just to be different

    So it was my birthday, I got a new car (subaru impreza 2.0i), had a massive party, like 80 of my friends came, rocked out to Nine Inch Nails with D'Arcy and Em, it was sweet.
     
    However, then my family totally destroyed it. Like totally, utterly destroyed it.
     
    To all my friends who saw this spectacle, I am incredibly sorry, I've never been more embarassed, ashamed, and hurt in my entire life. I'm so glad my family was able to put aside all their shit for just one fucking day.
     
    Oh wait... Note the incredibly fucking huge ammount of sarcasm right there.
     
     
    I fucking despise my family.
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    December 15

    Go Ricky, its yo' birfday, this time fo' real-real, not fo' play-play

    So yeah, I turned 18 like 25 minutes ago, and you know what that means, right? It means you have less than 24 hours to deliver me a present before I disown your sorry ass.
     
    Now that I'm 18 I can now legally do everything I've been doing anyway, like drinking, and buying porn, and selling midgets as sex slaves to Croatian refugees/crime lords.
     
    However, it also means I can now be prosecuted as an adult. All you emos out there just got lucky...
    Lame.
     
    On the plus side however, me being the youngest now works to my advantage, as while my friends will whither with age and become haggard and wrinkly and gross, I shall remain youthful and vibrant and my skin will be elasticy and cool. Sucks to be you, oldies.
     
    Seeing as I've got a big night of alcohol filled debauchery ahead of me, I'm going to go and get myself some sleep. These tired old bones need resting, doncha know?
     
    But seriously people, you've got less than 23.5 hours. I'm not joking, I'll disown you faster than a father disowns his emo son.
    1:26 AM | Add a comment | Read comments (22) | Permalink | Blog it
    December 14

    PRAISE THE LORD

    ...BLESS THE AMMUNITION... GOD WANTS YOU TO GO TO WAR!
     
    But seriously folks, tonight I had a near death experience, I'm in a bit of pain, but alright. If I died a day before my 18th, I would wreak so much havoc as a ghost. I'd be seriously vexed.
     
    Long story short, was being driven to a mates place, my mate lost control of his Mazda 626 and we sorta hit a tree side on at 60-70km/h. The car hit the tree in between the front and rear passenger doors, just a lil closer towards the front -- right where I was sitting. So there's now a 28cm deep (we measured) dent in the side of the car, the frame of the car is no longer straight, the car is a total right off. By "dent" i mean "fuck off massive crease where the cars tried to wrap itself around the tree."
     
    Luckily, the only injuries were a splinter of glass in a friends finger, and a scratch on my finger. My ribs are hurting a fair bit too, but I'm a big manly man so won't whinge.
     
    We are incredibly lucky no one was seriously hurt. Thanks God, owe ya one
     
    Drop 50, Save lives.
     
     
    Hmm, I was kind of vague in my descriptions of what actually went on, so heres a brief, but more accurate account of what happened:
    • We were driving around a bend, admittedly, we were speeding, but not so fast that we were out of control or anything.
    • HOWEVER a white commodore then came from nowhere ON OUR SIDE OF THE ROAD heading straight for us.
    • Casey slammed on the brakes
    • Wheels locked up
    • I remember thinking "Its cool, Casey's got it"
    • We went skidding out of control
    • Hit the curb
    • Went over the curb
    • Kept sliding
    • I remember thinking "Oh shit... Casey hasn't got it."
    • Braced myself, went to pull up the hand brake
    • As soon as I touched the handbrake, SMASH!
    • It was so loud.
    • Fucking commodore driver didn't even stop. They just took off.
    • Cunts.
    • I Calmed everyone (mainly Casey) down, made everyone look for blood, made sure everyone could move, etc.
    • We were fine.
    • We all got out of the car, everyone had to get out from the driver side. The passenger doors aren't ever going to open again.
    • We called a mate and got him to come drive the car back, amazingly, it was still able to drive.
    • I don't think any of us are going to be speeding again...
    4:36 AM | Add a comment | Read comments (14) | Permalink | Blog it
    December 12

    Do this or you will have to live with yourself.

    Ok Kids, this is taken directly from Rob's alter-space, Spooning Land Thursday. Everyone know's I'm against bandwagon jumping, but this is a bandwagon that should be jumped. Seriously, if you have any shred of decency, take the 5 seconds it will take to email either the governor or the attorney general and do it. If you can send a crappy chainletter email, you can send this. You know its worth it. Even if you're not from America, do it. International disaproval may hold more weight, so do it.
     
     
     
     
    Dear Sir

    I respectfully request that you and your state take steps to ensure the protection of children associated with the Westboro Church in Topeka, Kansas.  This organization fosters hate and endangers the physical, emotional, and mental well being of the children in its care.  These children should be placed in protective custody until the political activity of Westboro Church ceases.
     
    I also respectfully request that your Governor's administration or your legislature ensure that no child is returned to a Westboro Church member until the Church's vitriolic advocation of hatred stops.  No child is safe in the environment created by the Church's tactics and message.
     
    Thank you for your attention to this concern.
     
    YOUR NAME (<---- Replace this with your name)
    YOUR CITY AND PROVINCE/STATE/COUNTRY
    general@ksag.org <--------Attorney General's E-mail
    http://www.ksgovernor.org/comment.html<-------Where to contact the Governor (Female)
     
     
    Seriously people, think of the children. To learn more of the depravity of the WBC/Fred Phelps poke the links.
    2:40 AM | Add a comment | Read comments (13) | Permalink | Blog it
    December 10

    I'm not like them

    But I can pretend
    The song currently playing is "Dumb", by Nirvana from the album "In Utero" which is, in my opinion, Nirvana's best album. "Dumb" is my favourite song.
     
     
    It is awesome for many reasons:(whereas you're not awesome for any reasons)
    • Its Nirvana, therefore awesome by default
    • It adresses conformity and the general stupidity of society, which as you may or may not know, is one of my favourite topics. I'm such an .x.H.x.K. non-conformist *rebels against something*
    • It has string instruments. String instruments rock my world.
    • It just makes me feel freaking happy.
    • It has hidden meaning, just like this INVISIBLE DOT POINT! Only "Dumb"'s hidden meaning actually exists...
     
     
    If you do not like this song, you are nothing to me.
     
     
    That is all.
    This is not a secret message
     
    P.S. I'm 18 on the 15th of December (Thursday). I expect both well wishes and presents. Preferably presents.
     
     
    P.P.S. THAT is all. I think I'm just happy.                           HA! I wish....
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    December 08

    And then Smishy was all like "ZOMG! ITS MY BIRTHDAY!@#!11"

    Ok children, for those who are unaware, Today (Thursday the 8th of December) is Smishy's 18th birthday. Yay for Smish! For those who don't know Smishy (aka Gawd or sometimes Alicia), it must be said that she is one of the coolest cats around. Worship her already. Seriously though, go to her space and wish her a happy freaking birthday. Or I'll eat your soul or something...
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     

     
     
      
     
    Above: Smish, in all her feline glory!
    I'm a photoshop MASTER... by which ofcourse I mean I did that on paint in about 4 seconds.
     
     

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY SMISHY!

     

     

    Seriously though, wish her a happy birthday or I'll devour your delicious (yet filthy) souls

     

    3:02 AM | Add a comment | Read comments (12) | Permalink | Blog it
    December 07

    And so then the Stairs were all like "We're stairs, we can't talk, idiot"

    So anyway, I just realised that I almost always run up the stairs. I never really took notice of it until 1 minute ago, but I find it easier to sprint up the stairs then it is to slowly and painfully drag my ass up them, by which I mean walk. I started to think about why this might be, but then I got bored and decided to write this instead. Is this my most pointless blog entry ever?
     
    Yes. Yes it is. There is also no secret message in this blog.
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
    Really.
    8:36 PM | Add a comment | Read comments (5) | Permalink | Blog it
    December 06

    R.I.P Kevin McQuay

     
    For those who have not heard, Kevin McQuay (above right), better known as "Big Kev" tragically passed away at 8:30pm on monday (Australian Eastern Standard Time). Above are 2 Aussie Morons heros, Dick Smith, and Big Kev
     

     
    Famous for his impeccable fashion sense and jovial catch-cry of "I'M EXCITED!" The larger than life businessman died of a heart attack as a result of a staph infection. Gee, the tubby bastard died of a heart attack, never saw that one coming *dies of sarcasm overdose*
     

    Click for larger image

    Note: The above photo is NOT Big Kev, it is the ass of one of the wenches in his harem.

     
    This came as a shock to the Australian nation as the (lets face it) obese old man was getting his life in order, eating healthily and living properly, losing weight and appeared to be getting back on the healthy bandwagon.
     

    Keep reaching for that rainbow, Kev

     
    And then suddenly, like a freight train to an emo kids torso, a staph infection hits. For those who didnt pick up on it, this is a reference to Emo-Chris jumping on the train tracks...haha, get ti!?!?!?!
     
     

    Click for larger image

     
    The result: heart attack which led to the death of this Aussie icon.
     
    He will be missed by fans of informercials and housewives everywhere. But not by me, to tell the truth he annoyed the shit out me.
    R.I.P Big Guy
    In other news, Greenpeace is rallying against the destruction of an old growth forrest to be used to build Big Kev's coffin...
     
     
    7:40 PM | Add a comment | Read comments (11) | Permalink | Blog it
    December 02

    Chard's Guide to Etiquette, Lesson One

     
    "When attending dinner, refrain from discussing your recent prostate exam..."
     
    "You call yourself a musician?"
    Tonight, while I was trying to enjoy my delicious sirloin steak, while my blithering idiot of an uncle, Kim, felt the need to share with my dad and I everything he's been up to recently. As you might have guessed, one of his main topics was his health. He kept assuring us that he wouldn't be dead for a long time (much to my disappointment) as he had recently had a complete medical assessment, which - you guessed it - included a prostate examination.
    "No! I call myself an 'interpreter of sound'"
     
    Now I have nothing against prostate exams, don't get me wrong, they're vital in detecting prostate cancer and whatnot, but when I'm eating my delicious hunk of cow flesh the last thing I want to think about is a finger entering my Uncle Kim's anus.
     
    Is that really too much to ask? Apparently, it is.
     
    Virtual pinch and a punch for the first day of the month, bitches
    12:08 AM | Add a comment | Read comments (32) | Permalink | Blog it